my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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