sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Randomize
