I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just high enough for therapy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
