i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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