all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I need water and some morals
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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