That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize