There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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