the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
