Can i not drive my cunt home
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
