You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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