What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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