dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
