when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
