Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
