I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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