You really coming over, don't trick.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
