saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
