these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
