I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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