dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
