She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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