I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
