sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
