I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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