just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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