I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
