I cockslap morals
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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