I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
