the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
