Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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