He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
