the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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