Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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