I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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