Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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