Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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