you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Actions speak louder than pants.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
