I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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