as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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