Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
