I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
accomplished twins. life is a go
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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