my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
