I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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