Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
