If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
