Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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