I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
