You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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