if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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