The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
