if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
