Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
