Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
