He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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