apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i think im in europe. pls send help
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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