I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
