got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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