they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize