I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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