just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
