In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
