The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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