I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Are we still banned from the library?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
