Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
