im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize