There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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